Is this Our Farewell?
by Elanor90
Summary: This fic sets off directly after the Blaze of Glory. Are Alex and Marissa over for good? Or do they get another chance to fix their relationship? First of all Marissa needs to figure out what she really wants...
1. Chapter 1

**Is This Our Farewell?**

**A/N: **This story sets off directly after the "Blaze of Glory" in Season 2, so directly after the producers of the O.C. made their first huge mistake by getting rid of Alex...(The second major mistake was killing Marissa, of course). _Back to topic:_ Are Alex and Marissa over for good? Or do they get another chance to fix their relationship? Marissa struggles with her feelings and has to find out what she really wants.

* * *

1

The flames grew higher and higher, slowly engulfing the Trojan horse. And so something that had been built up so carefully was destroyed so fast by setting just a little flame to it.

As Marissa stared into the brightness of the fire she felt her eyes beginning to water, though this had nothing to do with the blinding light. _Is that all that remains? Tears in the eyes of the ones left behind?_

Marissa still couldn't quite believe what had just happened. _Her relationship with Alex was over. Done. She was alone again. _Marissa shivered and wrapped her arms around herself.

She didn't know how long she stood there, staring into the flames, not hearing all the harbour students laugh and sing around her.

"Hey… You ready to go?"

Marissa felt a hand on her shoulder and turned her head. Ryan was looking at her with a slightly lost, but also compassionate expression. It took Marissa a few moments until she was able to fully take in her surroundings again.

"Yeah… Let's go."

She threw on last look back to the fire. There was hardly anything left of the wooden horse now. _Damaged beyond repair. Over for good._

Marissa turned away, sighing deeply, and followed Ryan to the parking lot. She felt that her face was wet from tears but she didn't bother wiping them away as she got into Ryan's car.

It was only after she had sat down in the front passengers seat that she realised her own car was parked here as well.

"Ryan, I totally forgot… I'm here with my car. I have to drive home myself, but thanks anyways-…"

"No, don't worry bout it. We got it all figured out, remember? You gave Seth and Summer your keys… they'll drive your car to your house later. I'll get you home now."

Marissa wanted to debate, but then changed her mind. She wasn't really in the condition for driving right now.

"Thanks", she muttered, fastening her seat belt.

Ryan started the car and drove off the parking lot. After a few moments of silence he eyed Marissa nervously.

"So, err, do you want me to drop you off at the mansion? That's probably the best place for you to find some privacy right now, huh?"

_Back to the mansion… back _home Marissa felt suddenly weak at the thought that the little apartment in the numbered streets was no longer her home. _But it was so much more of a home to me than the mansion will ever be._

"I don't think I'm ready to face my mother right now…", Marissa said quietly, "I don't want to see her triumphant look."

Ryan nodded his head but remained silent for a moment, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel.

"How about we drive to the Cohen's? I'm sure they wouldn't mind you staying in the guest room tonight." Marissa nodded her head gratefully and then leaned back, closing her eyes. She was getting more exhausted every second and didn't even register Ryan calling Seth to tell him where to bring her car to.

When they arrived at the Cohen's house some minutes later, Ryan lead the way to the door. Marissa lingered behind.

"Are you sure it's OK with Sandy and Kirsten? I don't want to intrude…"

Ryan turned to Marissa and gave her a look clearly saying _Are you crazy? Of course they'll let you stay_. Then he opened the door and held it open for Marissa, who couldn't help but smile slightly.

They went into the kitchen to find Sandy and Kirsten fixing themselves a bed-time snack.

"Hey!", Ryan called to them.

"Hi Ryan…", Kirsten said, looking up from the peach she was just cutting, "Oh…and hey Marissa! I haven't seen you in a while!"

"Hi Kirsten, hi Sandy."

Sandy laid down his knife and took a few steps towards Ryan and Marissa.

"Marissa. Are you OK, kid? Did something happen?"

Marissa looked down at her feet, trying to pull herself together.

"She just got out of a relationship", Ryan explained, wanting to help her but not to say too much, as he didn't know how much she wanted Sandy and Kirsten to know.

"Oh dear…", Kirsten said softly, laying on hand on Marissa's arm.

"Yeah… Alex and I broke up", Marissa said suppressing a sob and looking up to face Kirsten, "We lived together… I can't go there now. But I can't go _'home' _either. I don't want to face my mom."

"Oh sweetie", Kirsten said, taking the girl's hand in hers, "You can stay here, of course. The guest room upstairs, next to Seth's room, is all yours."

Marissa looked to Sandy, who nodded reassuringly, then to Ryan, whose smile was saying _I told you so_, and back to Kirsten.

"Thank you. So much", she said suddenly feeling extremely exhausted again. "I'll just go, lay down then…"

"Sleep well, honey. If you need anything let us now", Sandy said.

"Thanks."

Just when Marissa was about to leave the room, Summer and Seth entered.

"Hey baby, you OK?", Summer said pulling Marissa into a hug.

"I will be, I guess", Marissa mumbled into Summer's shoulder.

"Do you wanna talk?"

"Thanks Sum, but I think I'll just get some sleep now. Maybe tomorrow."

"Yeah, sure. Just call me when you want to talk, okay?"

Marissa broke the embrace, mumbled another 'thanks' and headed upstairs to the guest room.

* * *

There was a few moments of silence in the kitchen, before Seth cleared his throat. 

"So… that was that, I guess."

Kirsten looked at the teenagers questioningly.

"Marissa said she and Alex broke up… Which Alex?? Not yours, Seth?"

The three looked at each other, not quite knowing what to say. Sandy and Kirsten exchanged surprised looks.

"I mean, I knew Marissa dated a girl and even moved in with her, right? Julie told me. But I didn't know it was Alex!", Kristen exclaimed.

"Yeah… Imagine our reactions when we found out", Seth said, his voice becoming dreamy, "Our exes dating each other… man that's just so– Ouch!" Summer shot him an evil glance, an unspoken threat of smacking him again in her eyes.

"Well, do you guys know what happened? Marissa seemed really down… Did Alex dump her?", Sandy asked.

"None of us really talked to her about it yet", Ryan said shrugging his shoulders.

"Yeah, but I can't imagine Alex would have dumped Marissa…", Seth said knowingly.

The others looked at him expectantly, but he pretended not to notice until Summer smacked him on the arm again.

"Ouch!… Oh… you want me to continue!" Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Well, when Alex turned up here the other day, she kinda confessed her feelings. She said she had – I'm quoting – fallen really hard for her. And then she asked whether she was fighting for a lost cause… she meant because of you, bro!" Seth pointed at Ryan who grimaced back at him.

"Yeah, I know. In case you forgot, I had to deal with a _really_ angry Alex after that little conversation of yours…"

"Well maybe Marissa just realised that her feelings are not the same as Alex's", Kirsten suggested, "Julie thinks that Marissa's just trying to – excuse my language – piss her off."

"That's not true", Summer said quietly. "Marissa really liked Alex. I mean, sure, she didn't mind the side effect of pissing of Julie Cooper, but that relationship was real. She was so scared of telling me about Alex, she would not have gone through that if she hadn't had true feelings for her. I think Marissa just doesn't know what she wants. But I'm gonna try to help her figure exactly that out."

There was a moment of silence as everyone nodded their agreement.

Ryan straightened up from his leaning position against the counter, yawning, and headed towards the pool house. "I'm gonna go sleep. See ye all tomorrow!"

The others said their goodnights as well and headed off.

* * *

Marissa heard the door to the guest room creak open but kept her eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. 

"Good night, Coop", she heard Summer whisper from directly above her. A few seconds later she heard the door close again and she opened her eyes to stare into the darkness around her.

* * *

Marissa slept very badly that night. After hours of turning around again and again, trying desperately to find some rest, she decided to get up. She switched on the light and shot a glance at the alarm clock. 5 am. She sighed and took off the pyjamas Kirsten had leant her before putting on the clothes of the evening before, that being a red hoodie and a skirt. Marissa wrote a short note to the Cohen's and left it on the bedside table. Then she left the house as quietly as possible and got into her car. She drove to the beach, enjoying the ride in still-darkness along the deserted streets. 

She sat down on the sand close to the little lifeguard tower she often went to. She stared into the dark ocean, resting her head on her knees.

_It's over_. Marissa had only felt this lost two times before. The first time in Tijuana, when she found out that her parents were getting a divorce and her boyfriend had cheated on her. She had overdosed then and nearly managed to kill herself. The second time had been after Ryan had left to live with Theresa and she had been forced to live with her mother and Caleb. She had turned to alcohol then. _So what now?_

Unlike the other times, Marissa realised, she now had more control over the situation. No one was forcing her to anything, no one had cheated on her… Alex had left her, but not because she didn't want her anymore, but because she thought she was going to loose her to Ryan anyway. _Okay, I have to figure this out, _Marissa thought._ What do I want? God, who knew such a question could be that difficult to answer._

When she had started to crush on Alex, it had been scary at first, then simply exciting and thrilling. Though everything had become a bit scary and overwhelming from time to time, all in all it had been more than amazing for Marissa to experience all these new feelings. The connection between her and Alex had been more intense than any other relationship before. They'd laughed together and they'd cried together. Marissa had found herself spilling all her most intimate thoughts and feelings out to Alex: She told her about Tijuana, about Luke and Ryan, and everything that had happened with her mom. In her turn, Marissa had listened to Alex' story, and it had made her happy that Alex obviously returned her trust.

Telling Summer about their relationship had been a huge step for her. Being accepted by Summer as who she was had deepened and strengthened both her relationship to Summer and to Alex.

Then, after Marissa had moved in with Alex, everything had become even more overwhelming. Marissa had started to learn what it meant to live on your own, and had more than once been overstrained, but Alex had been there to help her. They had a lot of good times together, but they also experienced the shadowy sides of living together. It had happened once or twice that Alex had come home from work late, pissed off from an exhausting work day, and had been bitchy towards her girlfriend. But strangely enough, it had been exactly such moments (and the moments after, when Alex had apologized for bitching) that made Marissa realise how much the feisty blonde-with-a-purple-streak young woman meant to her.

She had felt herself beginning to fall. To fall so very hard for Alex. Yes, she had felt her crush begin to turn into something else, into something so much more.

At first, the feeling had been great. It had given her a feeling of belonging.

Then it had scared her.

Her relationship with Ryan had been one of the most important stages in her life. He had helped her deal with a lot of things, had helped her through a difficult time. She had loved him, and she still did, somehow. She had not been over him when he had gone to Chino and come back after the summer, nor when she had dated DJ. Her relationship to Alex on the other hand had changed everything. Even before she had been aware of her feelings towards her, Marissa had felt her feelings towards Ryan change. She still missed him as they barely saw each other, but she didn't _miss_ him as a boyfriend any longer. She still loved him, as her best male friend, but as nothing more.

She had once been able to imagine a future with Ryan, now that image was replaced by a future with Alex. That was what she wanted.

And that was what scared her.

When she had first accepted her feelings towards Alex, she had been scared of what the people she cared about, at that time rather friends than family, would think of her dating a girl. After they found out, her fears had been mostly buried, but apparently they had not been quite killed. Now, as she had begun not to think of Alex as her crush but her _love_, she had started to ask herself whether this was really what she wanted. Marissa Cooper, a _lesbian_?

A little teenage girl and girl romance, sure. But a life as a lesbian?

Marissa picked up a handful of sand and let it run through her fingers. She looked out to the dark endless ocean, which was starting to become a bit lighter as a first red streak started to show on the horizon. _The start of a new day_. A day with answers to all the unspoken questions, hopefully.

"God, I'm so stupid", Marissa mumbled to herself, only now that she felt it hard to move her lips noticing how cold she was. "I let everything with Alex fall apart because I'm afraid of being with her for real, and I don't even now if she even feels that way about me." _Maybe she'd just laugh at the thought of some day marrying you, and she'd laugh even harder if she heard you talking to yourself, God, Cooper, get a grip on yourself!_

But the next moment she thought, _no, Alex would never laugh at you like that. But does it even make a difference?_

Marissa took her iPod out of her pocket and put on some rather aggressive music. She turned the volume up as much as she could bear and laid back on the sand. She closed her eyes and tried to stop her thoughts from circling around the same problem again and again. She concentrated hard on the music, paying attention to the lyrics and all the different instruments. Yet her thoughts kept wandering back to a certain blonde: the image of Alex, brushing the purple streak back behind her ear kept appearing in her head.

* * *

Marissa felt something tapping her shoulder and slowly opened her eyes. Summer was kneeling beside her, looking at her questioningly. 

"You awake now, Coop? Here, your iPod… I thought it'd be easier to wake you without you hearing music, but what was I thinking? If Billy Talent didn't wake you with their screaming, how was I supposed to manage?!"

Marissa smiled and sat up, shaking off sand from her pullover.

"Hey Sum." She gave Summer a kind of sad puppy look, making her friend immediately lean forward to hug her.

"Aww, sweetie, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, I guess", Marissa said, breaking the embrace and smiling at the other girl thankfully. "But hey, how did you know where I was?"

Summer playfully rolled her eyes on Marissa. "Now really, Coop! We've been friends for, like, I don't know, forever! You left a note saying you were going out to catch some fresh air and that you just needed some time to think…. Were else would you go but to this beach! You ought to know that I know you this well…"

"Of course!", Marissa laughed. She looked to the ocean and for the first time really realised that the sun had already risen.

"What time is it, anyways?"

"About 8 a.m.", Summer responded casually.

"What?! Not that _I_ mind being late to class, but you never ditch, Sum! I don't want you to get into trouble because of me."

"Hey, Coop, relax! They gave us the first two lessons off today because of the bonfire last night, remember?…" Seeing the surprised look on Marissa's face, Summer couldn't suppress a chuckle. "Truly, Marissa, do you ever listen to the teachers talk?"

Marissa shrugged, grinning widely. "That's what I have you for!"

Summer stuck out her tongue at her best friend, making her grin even wider. For a moment Marissa felt completely carefree and simply happy.

The two friends sat there in silence for a moment, smiling at each other. Then Marissa remembered why they were sitting here in the first place and sighed deeply.

Summer cleared her throat. "So, what do you think? Should we head back to my place? I'm guessing you'd like to take a shower before school… and I can lend you some clothes of mine. We'll go pick up some of your stuff later. Alright?"

Marissa nodded absently, for a moment lost in thought. Then she shook her head and refocused on the situation.

"Yeah, sure. Sounds good."

They got up and started walking towards their cars.

Marissa suddenly remembered something. "Oh, and could you maybe also lend me some paper and a pen? My school stuff is at ho– at Alex's… She's probably home right now, so I think it's just best if I head over there later when she's at work." Marissa's voice faltered and she felt a lump in her throat.

Summer put her hand on Marissa's arm, patting it reassuringly.

"Sure, no prob. And you know, if you wanna talk… anytime. I'm there."

"Thanks Sum. Not now, though."

"Whenever you're ready."

They got into their separate cars and drove to the Roberts' residence. While Marissa was in the shower, Summer called Seth to tell him that everything was okay.

After having showered, Marissa felt a bit calmer. She borrowed one of Summer's skirts – her best friend's jeans were much too short for her – and found one of her own t-shirts in Summer's closet.

After both girls were fully dressed, they went into the kitchen to have some breakfast. In her worry for Marissa, Summer had not taken the time to eat anything when she had awoken that morning, so she now ate with great appetite. Marissa on the other hand just picked at her pancake. When Summer noticed this, worry clouded her face again.

"Marissa…," she said pleadingly.

"I'm fine, Sum. Just not hungry. Come on, we'll be late for school."

Marissa stood up and took her plate with her, throwing the untouched pancake into the trash. Summer sighed and followed her friend outside.

The two girls met up with Seth and Ryan in school. The latter greeted Marissa with a hug, which she returned gratefully_. Is this what I want? This is what I _should_ want._

The day passed slowly, Marissa felt as if she was in a kind of dream, sleepwalking. Her mind was in a haze and she had the feeling of being far away from everything around her.

After school Marissa went to the beach again and sat down on the lifeguard tower. She took out pen and paper – both given to her by Summer – and began to write. She had never done this before, but she just let her emotions spill out of her and formed them into words on the white sheet.

* * *

So, what do think so far? Hope you liked it. 

- Elanor


	2. Chapter 2

2

Summer walked up to the front door and rang the bell. She looked back at her car, parked next to a jeep. _Looks like I'm lucky._

_Or not_, Summer thought after a few minutes and rang the bell again.

The door opened and Summer was slightly taken aback when she saw the state Alex Kelly was in. The blonde was wearing only a pair of hot pants and a black wife beater, clearly the clothes she had slept in. Her hair hung down unkempt and her eyes were puffy and red, black eyeliner all blurred around them.

"What the fuck do you– …", Alex began angrily, before noticing who she was talking to. "Summer?!"

"Yeah… Sorry to disturb you," Summer said, finding herself in a quite different situation than she had imagined.

Alex saw the slightly shocked look on Summer's face and glanced down herself, suddenly somewhat embarrassed.

"No, listen, I'm sorry 'bout the way I greeted you… I, ermm, did you want to come in?"

Summer smiled relieved and Alex stepped aside to let her in. The blonde closed the door and turned to see Summer standing slightly lost in the middle of her messy living room. Empty beer bottles were scattered throughout the room, embedded on a large variety of dirty and clean clothes. Alex groaned. _How embarrassing_. She usually didn't mind what people thought of her, but this was Summer, Marissa's best friend. _And Marissa is your _ex_, Kelly_. But strangely, this thought didn't help. It just made her feel sad _and _embarrassed.

"Sorry 'bout the mess… I wasn't planning on letting anyone in today."

"I feel very honoured, then."

The girls smiled at each other tentatively. This was a strange situation for both of them: they barley knew each other and they had never really been alone together before.

"Sooo…," Alex broke the silence, "I'm guessing you're here for Marissa's things." Her voice was emotionless and her eyes were blank.

"Yeah… I'm sorry, Alex."

Alex grinned at her, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "We should really stop apologizing, there's such a thing as overkill."

Summer chuckled and nodded her agreement.

"Well, I thought I'd just get her school stuff and some clothes to begin with…"

Alex nodded, but quickly stopped as her head began to throb at the movement. _Guess I just figured out who drank all that beer last night_, she thought ironically.

"Right. Well, here's her bag… Here, this way, let's get the clothing." Alex led Summer into her bedroom and together they began to pick out Marissa's clothes.

"So… how's Marissa doing?", Alex asked in the meantime, trying to sound casual, but not quite succeeding to exclude the sadness and also concern from her voice.

Summer looked up at Alex. _She looks so hurt. I never thought I'd ever see Alex look so fragile. And still she seems truly concerned about Marissa… She must really mean a lot to her._

"She's alright… Well, actually she's not. I'm a bit worried… but no, she'll be okay."

Alex frowned. "Summer…"

"She hasn't really talked to me yet. But if I find there's reason to be seriously worried, I'll tell you, deal?"

"Why should there be a reason to be worried? She doesn't love me… It's not like I broke her heart… Is there anything else I should know about?"

"Look, I really don't know, okay? But if I get seriously worried, I'll tell you, deal?"

Alex reluctantly nodded her agreement, though she didn't seem entirely pleased with the answer. "I guess I have to hope not to hear from you then, huh?"

As Alex stood there, her head hanging and her shoulders slightly slouched, Summer felt truly sorry for her. She grabbed Alex' arms and looked her in the eye.

"She'll be alright. Eventually. And so will you."

Alex sighed, took a deep breath and then straightened up.

"That's right, Kelly! Don't let yourself hang! Go take a shower, get something to eat… I don't want another person to worry over. But, you know, if you need someone to talk to… And if it's not too weird for you, because I'm Marissa's best friend and all… I'll listen."

Alex searched Summer's face for any signs of insincerity, but found none.

She then followed a sudden impulse and pulled Summer into a short hug. Summer was surprised, but returned the hug with a sincere smile on her face.

"Thank you. It means a lot."

Summer pulled back and patted Alex on the arm.

"Sure thing. But don't think that you and I will ever… I just mean, I hope that hug didn't mean more to you than the possible beginning of a friendship… Because I don't do…_girls_. I mean_, eww_."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Yeah, Summer, that's what I always do, I seduce the best friends of my exes, before I can even refer them as my ex without feeling like shit."

"Just making sure."

Alex rolled her eyes again and playfully shoved Summer, who grinned back at her before becoming serious again.

"Shouldn't you be working, anyways?"

"Nope. I work late today. I was kind of planning on calling in sick, originally…" Summer gave her a disapproving look. "But then again, Marissa and especially Seth told me all about your rage blackouts, so I guess it's safer for me to go, huh?"

"You hit the nail on the head, girl!"

They put a large stack of Marissa's clothes into a bag and went back into the living room.

"I'll sort out the rest of her stuff and come by to drop it off soon. She's probably back in with her mom, right?"

"Actually, no. She's not quite ready to face Julie Cooper, yet. She's staying at the Cohen's for the next few days."

Alex felt her heart drop and images of Ryan and Marissa, together, invaded her head.

"The Cohen's, of course," Alex mumbled.

"Well, I should get going now. And so should you, by the way. But while my way's leading me home, yours should lead you to the shower. Believe me, it'll make you feel better."

"Okay, okay, I got it, Summer. I stink. I'll go take a shower."

"Good. But I never said you stink, you just look like a mess… But now that you mention it, it does kind of smell funny here. Maybe you should open a window… or just throw away those beer cans. Beer really starts stinking pretty fast… whatever. Alright, so, be safe. And call me if you need anything."

Alex, amused at Summer's blabbering, raised one eyebrow suggestively. "Anything?"

"Oh my God! Eww! Alex!", Summer exclaimed with an almost pained expression.

"Sorry, couldn't resist. Come on, I'll carry the bag to the car for you."

Alex and Summer put Marissa's things into the car and Summer patted Alex on the arm slightly awkwardly, before driving off. Sighing, Alex went back inside and headed straight for the shower – well, at least as straight as possible, with all the mess in her living room. Summer's jabbering had distracted her for a short time, but now all the feelings of dejection and loneliness weighed her down again. As soon as the warm water of the shower poured down on her, she felt a bit better though, at least physically. Smiling sadly, she thought, _Marissa is really lucky to have such a good friend. Summer's really more than she appears to be at first sight. And Summer's even luckier to have Marissa as a friend. God, we've been apart for less than a day and already it feels like an eternity of life without her. I miss her so much. Marissa. The girl who helped me get my heart back from Jody, just to steal it all over again._

* * *

Summer brought Marissa's clothing and school things to her room at the Cohen's. She met Ryan and Seth in the pool house and they decided to get some dinner at their favorite diner. She called Marissa and was glad to hear Marissa picking up. 

"Hi Summer, what's up?"

"Hey, Coop. We're gonna go grab some dinner. 'You game?"

"I'm not really hungry…"

"Coop!"

"Alright! Yes, I'll join you. Meet you at the diner in 15?"

"Sounds perfect."

"Okay, bye."

"See ya, Coop."

Summer snapped her mobile shut and gave the boys her thumbs up.

"I got her. Let's go. We can take my car."

* * *

Twenty minutes later they were all sitting in the diner, ordering their food. 

"And I'll get the French fries, please," Summer said to the waitress. Seth and Ryan had already ordered, so they now all turned to Marissa.

"I'll have a water, please."

"And some French fries, right?", Summer suggested.

"No, just water. I'm really not hungry. I- I've already eaten something."

The waitress looked from Marissa to Summer and then back again. "Is that all then?"

"For the moment, yes. Thank you," Ryan said, as both girls were busy – Summer staring at Marissa, and Marissa trying to avoid Summer's glance.

So the evening at the diner passed in a rather gloomy atmosphere, with Marissa sitting beside the others absent-minded and not eating anything.

The next two days they tried to cheer her up by distracting her. But all their tries remained without success and it became a rather strenuous weekend for all of them.

The days passed and Summer began to seriously worry about Marissa. She didn't talk and she didn't eat. She avoided everyone, even Summer, which was very unusual. After break-ups the two best friends were normally there for each other and talked about everything. In school she just sat there and stared into space. In the afternoons she went to the beach or locked herself into the Cohen's guest room. Summer had offered the Cohen's to take Marissa home to live at her place, but Kirsten had said that Julie had asked her to keep an eye on her daughter. Marissa hadn't talked to her mother yet and luckily Julie had taken Kirsten's advice to heart and had not tried to contact her.

One afternoon, almost a week after the bonfire, Summer went over to the Cohen's to check on Marissa. Ryan opened the door and let her in.

"Hey Summer. She's not here."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Any luck with talking to her, yet?"

"Nope. What about you."

"Same."

"Well, I'm just gonna leave this in her room then", Summer said and gestured at the book in her hand. "She was gone so quickly after school, she forgot it. Not like there's any realistic probability she'll actually do her chemistry homework, but who knows…"

Summer went upstairs and entered Marissa's room to find it dark and stuffy. She pulled back the curtains and opened the window. Then she went over to the desk and set the heavy book on top of some others. She was about to turn away and leave the room again, when her eyes fell on a sheet of paper half-hidden under a folder. She had a feeling this was important and after a moment this feeling won over her bad conscience. She pushed the folder aside and took the paper into her hands. She immediately recognized Marissa's hand writing and after reading the first few words she gasped and sat down on the chair in front of the desk, surprised. _It was a poem._

Barely audible, Summer began to read it out loud:

"I feel alone, but I feel

nothing.

I feel numb.

Where is the pain?

I feel hunger.

I feel.

I feel the pain of hunger.

I feel pain.

And it helps me bear the nothingness surrounding me."

Summer had to fight back tears as she stared down the words. _She is not okay._

She heard a sound behind her and turned her head. She jumped when she saw Marissa standing in the doorway and quickly stood up.

"Coop! God, you scared me."

"Summer! What brings you –" Marissa's eyes fell onto the paper in Summer's hand and turned pale. "What are doing?! That's private!", she demanded angrily, her voice rising. In seconds she was in front of Summer and snatched the poem out of her hands.

"I am sorry, but I can't say I regret having read this! You need help, Marissa! Why don't you talk to me?", Summer shot back, her voice rising as well.

"Oh, great! First you invade my privacy and then you yell at me. What kind of a friend are you?", Marissa shouted and then turned away to storm out of the room. But Summer was faster and grabbed Marissa's arm before she could leave.

"A friend that cares for you! I am worried about you, can't you see that?", Summer said, her voice, at first still a yell, becoming more and more quiet until it was barley audible.

Marissa spun around and was about to shout at her friend again, when she saw Summer's sad and concerned look. A single tear was rolling down her cheek.

Marissa swallowed down her angry response and instead whispered: "Summer. I'm sorry. My life is just so fucked up." She felt tears beginning to form in her eyes and shut them tightly. She felt Summer's arms around her and gladly returned the embrace.

"I'm sorry, too, Coop. That poem just scared the hell out of me."

"Oh, was it really _that_ bad?", Marissa joked half-heartedly.

Summer pulled back out of the embrace and locked eyes with Marissa.

"It was not at all bad, Marissa. The content was just really scary."

Marissa smiled sadly and sat down on the bed. Summer quickly closed the door and then sat down next to her. Marissa took a deep breath and then slowly began to talk.

"It's really like I expressed in the poem. I feel so empty. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want…"

Summer took Marissa's hand in hers.

"I think that's exactly what we need to figure out. What you want. But first you have to tell me what happened. Alex broke up with you. Why?"

"I don't know. She probably just doesn't love me…", Marissa said toneless and closed her eyes.

"Is that what she said?", Summer said, pretty sure that Alex had said nothing of that kind.

"No… She said… Ryan and I would get together again, anyways. She thinks I still love him."

"And do you?"

Marissa kept silent for a moment.

"Yes. I love him, _as a friend_. But I don't want to lie in his arms…"

"And _do you want to lie in Alex' arms_?"

"Yes", Marissa whispered.

"Then why didn't you just tell her that?"

"Because it's just all wrong. You know, when we were in the mall together I really enjoyed the time with Ryan, and I thought maybe we could be together again, after all. And when you asked me whether I wanted to be with Ryan again, and I said yes, I didn't lie. A part of me wishes for nothing more…"

"Let me guess, that part of you isn't your heart."

"No…"

"Wait, don't tell me this is about Alex being a girl?"

Marissa flinched and Summer knew she hit the bull's eye.

"Coop!…"

"Look, it's just not as easy as I thought, okay? I don't have anything against gay people, obviously. But me being one of them… I just never saw me there, Sum. It's just not right. I always imagined myself having a husband one day, with three children, a nice house and a dog."

"You know, Marissa, this is what they call growing up. Life just simply isn't one of those fairy tales, where everything always turns out perfect. And if your prince charming is a princess, so what?!"

"But it makes life even more complicated… The world is so full of prejudice… And maybe they're right and it's just wrong…" Summer shot her a surprised look, but she read only confusion on Marissa's face and immediately knew she didn't truly think homosexuality was wrong. _Well of course not, or she wouldn't have been with Alex in the first place, duh._

"Marissa, now listen to me. I don't give a damn if you're with a guy or a girl or a fish or an alien or whatever as long as you're happy! And anyone who doesn't think that way… to hell with them!"

Marissa had tears in her eyes again and smiled weakly at her friend. Finally, she felt her thoughts become clearer, as she began to sort out all the emotions overwhelming her. _What do I truly want? Nothing else matters. Nothing else… Alex. I want to be with Alex. And nothing else matters._ Marissa inhaled deeply. _Alex._

"Okay, so let's sum this up. You don't want anything but friendship from Ryan?" –Marissa nodded –"And you love Alex?"

"Yes."

"And you want to be with her?"

"If she wants me…"

"Has she ever done anything to make you question her affection to you?"

"No… but she has never told me that she loves me either…"

"She almost had Ryan beaten up! I'm not sure if that's a too good of a sign concerning her morality, but I'm positive that we can take that as a sign that she really likes you…"

Marissa laughed, to her own surprise.

"Yeah, I guess so…"

"So, Coop, will you promise me to talk to her? And to start eating again?"

"Summer, I'm fine!"

"I read the poem, remember?"

"Oh, right. Yes, okay. I will talk to her… maybe over a meal, okay?"

"That's all I wanted to hear, sweetie. Come here." They hugged again and stayed in that position for a few long moments. "Thank you," Marissa whispered into her best friend's ear.

* * *

Thank you for the reviews! I'll try to update as often as possible... I always reread and edit what I write like a thousand times before I'm halfway satisfied with it... ; )


	3. Chapter 3

3

It was in the early evening. Alex parked her Jeep on the Cohen's driveway, but instead of getting out she laid her head back, shut her eyes and finished listening to some rather aggressive punk rock song on the radio. Music had always helped her to cope with difficult situations. Bringing Marissa's things here made everything so final…They were really over for good.

Alex didn't recognize the next song, but immediately liked to sound of it._ "…They used to love having so much to lose…" Yeah, me too…_, she thought, wishing she could just stay in her jeep forever, without having to go in to the Cohen's and drop off Marissa's stuff.

"… _Bye bye, beautiful!…", came _screeching out of the radio and Alex flinched, immediately thinking of Marissa again._ Okay, I think this is the cue for me to go…_, she thought gloomily and turned off the radio. She grabbed her exes things, that being two full bags and an extra pair of shoes, and headed for the door, becoming more down-hearted with every step. _Come on, Kelly, pull yourself together. This isn't your first break-up – it won't be your last. You'll live. _She took a deep breath, straightened up and then rang the door bell with her elbow, not wanting to set anything down. Seth opened the door almost immediately and greeted her with a surprised "Aleeeeex.".

"Seth." Alex nodded her head as a greeting, as she didn't have her hands free for any other gesture. "Could I… _maybe_… come in?", Alex asked somewhat annoyed as Seth just stood staring at her.

"Oh, right, sorry Al, I just kinda spaced out," Seth said, shaking his head to refocus on the situation.

"Yeah, I noticed… so?"

"Right, come in!", Seth said finally stepping aside to let her in. "So, by the look of it, you came to drop some stuff off?"

"Good guess."

"Then come on this way, you can put it in the living room… I don't think Marissa's home at the moment." He lead the way into the kitchen, failing to offer Alex any help – not that she had expected him to, anyways. She only too clearly remembered the time Seth had worked in the Bait Shop – _a mild catastrophe_.

"Alex! I don't believe we've ever seen you here!", Sandy greeted the newcomers as they entered the kitchen.

"Hi Mr. Cohen, Mrs. Cohen," Alex said, for some reason feeling like an intruder. "I hope I'm not disturbing. Just here to drop these things off…"

Kirsten smiled at her and Sandy quickly set off his cup of tea to help her.

"Here, let me take those shoes… We'll just put the things here, shall we?", he said putting the shoes next to the door leading outside to the pool. Alex set the bags next to them and then turned back to the Cohens a bit awkwardly.

"Would you like something to drink, Alex?", Kirsten said, breaking the silence.

"Sure. A glass of water'd be great… Thanks."

"So, Al, how're you doing?", Seth asked handing her the water.

"Been better." Alex took a sip of water. "But it'll be okay. I'm thinking of going back home, actually. Home to my parents, finish school." Seth gaped at her.

"That's great for you!", Sandy said sounding truly pleased.

"Yeah, I'm not so sure bout that, but… I was thinking I'd just continue working till the summer and then go do the whole graduation thing. I've got only one more year ahead of me, so I guess I might get myself to actually pull it through…" Alex trailed off, the idea of her going back to high school sounded strange, even to herself.

Seth furrowed his brows. "Wait a sec. How can you have only one year of school ahead of you? That'd mean that you graduate at the same time as us, but you're as old as us and you missed a year!"

A small grin spread on Alex' lips. "This'll probably surprise you, but I skipped a grade when I was younger. I actually used to be really good in school."

"Wow", Kirsten said astounded, making everyone look at her. "Not that I thought you were unintelligent or anything! I just didn't think you were the type to skip a grade… I guess we all have our prejudices." Kirsten smiled at Alex apologetically.

"Nothing's ever as it seems…", Alex said, still grinning, but her eyes were suddenly sad again.

"I really think it's great that you want to finish school," Sandy repeated, "Who knows, maybe you'll become a lawyer one day, just like me, ey? I remember you were quite impressed by my appearance in the bar, when we first met."

Alex laughed. "Yeah, I bet I could learn a lot to improve my intimidation techniques."

"Ha! You see, she finds me intimidating," Sandy said turning to his wife.

Kirsten rolled her eyes but smiled as she saw Alex looking a bit more cheerful again. _Sandy always knows what to say in order to lighten up the mood of a down-hearted teenager.

* * *

_

Marissa slowly opened her eyes. She was laying on her bed next to Summer. After their serious conversation earlier they had talked about all kinds of other topics. Since they had barely talked the last week, Summer had taken the opportunity to update Marissa on her newest banal Seth-centered drama. They had both enjoyed the lightness of their small talk and gossip and eventually Marissa had felt exhaustion taking over her, as she had barely slept and eaten in the last days. Summer had watched her friend sleep for a while and had dozed off herself.

"Hey, sleepyhead. You feeling better?"

"Hey, Sum. Yeah. I'm good."

"You wanna go downstairs, look for something edible?"

"All right. Just give me a few moments to wake up," Marissa yawned.

"Sure thing," Summer said, yawning herself.

* * *

"That is so cool, that you have your office directly by the beach! Surfing is one of my big passions," Alex said enthusiastically. 

Sandy smiled at her. "I tell you, Newport may have many dark sides, but the waves amend for quite a lot."

"I couldn't agree more. I can't understand how so many people can live here without having ever even stood on a board."

"Well, I can," Kirsten said, shrugging, "It's just not my cup of tea. And that goes for a quite many people here, I think. Just imagine a Newpsie on a board. Hilarious."

"Yeah, doesn't work for me either," Seth said, "I've tried and I've failed. But the water's great for sailing…"

"You honestly choose sailing over surfing? No wonder we didn't work out," Alex joked.

"Hey, everyone!", someone said.

Alex, who had been standing with her back to the kitchen door, turned around to look at the newcomer.

"Suuummmer," Seth squealed and hurried to greet his girlfriend with a quick kiss.

Alex almost laughed out loud at Seth's enthusiastic greeting, when she saw Marissa entering the kitchen. Her smile froze on her lips as she was overwhelmed by all kinds of emotions. Her stomach tightened and she felt sick, while at the same time she felt her whole body tingle with joy of simply seeing the girl of her dreams. Marissa's gaze was similarly frozen.

Alex pulled herself together. "Hi."

Marissa swallowed hard before managing to mumble: "Hey."

They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity before Alex finally forced herself to look away.

Sandy cleared his throat. "Maybe we should just leave you two to yourselves?"

"Oh no, no worries, I'll be gone in a minute," Alex said quickly. She looked back at Marissa.

"I brought you some more of your stuff, here." Alex felt herself calm down and she was suddenly capable of shutting out all her sadness. She smiled and took a stack of pink clothes out of one bag. "Here, something for you to remember never to wash red and white in one go."

Marissa felt herself flush slightly. "Really, how was I supposed to know?", she said pouting.

"You're so sweet," Alex said, mentally kicking herself only seconds later. _Oops. Good one, Alex. _Marissa flushed even deeper and Alex sighed.

"Well, I guess I gotta get going. If I forgot any of your stuff, just tell me… And don't worry, I've got no intentions of making you go through all what Jody did to me. So, just call me… Or have Summer come by, or something. Nice seeing you again, Mrs. Cohen and Mr. Cohen. Bye, guys." Alex waved into the room and headed for the door after the others had bade her goodbye.

Marissa felt paralysed, until she heard the front door close. She blinked a few times.

"I – I gotta go!" She called out and shot out of the room.

There was a moment of silence in the kitchen.

"Woa, what was that?!", Seth exclaimed, "Okay, there is no denying that there's something between them. Did you guys feel the tension?"

"Yeah," Summer said thoughtfully, "I hope they can figure everything out."

"I'll hope for anything that'll make Marissa feel better again," Sandy stated.

"Yeah, me too… I hate seeing her so sad," Kirsten said compassionately.

Seth nodded seriously. "She's usually such a gay person."

"Seth!" Summer looked at him, dumbfounded.

"Argh, that came out all wrong…"

"Yeah right. You know, we were actually talking about something serious…"

"Yes, Summer, I know… Hey, mom, didn't we want to order some food?"

Sandy and Kirsten looked back and forth between their son and his girlfriend, clearly amused.

"God, Cohen, you're such a –" Summer broke off and looked over to Seth's parents, letting out a short, and rather ironically sounding, laugh, "Yeah. Let's order."

* * *

Alex got into her car and let out her breath, unaware that she had been holding it. _So, this was it. _She swallowed hard and started to drive down the dark driveway when she heard someone calling her name. No, not someone. _Marissa._

She glanced into the rear-view mirror to confirm she had heard correctly and stepped on the brakes, quickly blinking the tears out of her eyes. She willed herself not to turn around and instead watched in the mirror as Marissa jogged up to her jeep and then finally reached the co-drivers door, panting.

"Alex", she gasped through the open window.

"That was quick. Did you go through your stuff and found I forgot something?", Alex said half-joking.

Marissa just shook her head and took a short moment to recover her breath.

"We need to talk," she finally said, looking Alex in the face.

Alex suddenly felt defeated, she had expected anything but that.

"Marissa," she said pleadingly, "What is there to talk? Please don't make this any more difficult…"

Alex started the motor again and was about to hit the gas, when Marissa suddenly blurted out: "I love Ryan –"

Alex stared at her, disbelieving.

"And you're telling me this to, what, make me feel better?", she shot at her ex, interrupting her.

"… but only as a friend, I was gonna say!", Marissa said loudly, sensing that Alex was going to drive off is she didn't act immediately.

Alex felt her heart beginning to beat madly, as she felt a tiny flicker of hope. _No, leave, Kelly, now. Before you get hurt again._

But before Alex could even release the handbrake, Marissa had opened the co-driver's door and sat down next to her.

"Alex, please. I know I hurt you, but I never intended to…"

"Marissa, don't, please, I can't take this…"

"No, hear me out. I– I totally freaked. But I know what I don't want now, and more importantly, I know what I do want. The list of things I want is actually quite long, but the thing I want most is just to be with you, Alex. I thought about it all of last week and I –I don't want to, I just can't live without you anymore… So, what do you say?" Marissa bit her lip nervously, waiting for Alex to response.

Alex was dumbstruck. _Could this be true, was this happening_? Her stomach tightened and her heart was still hammering wildly.

"Are –are you sure? I can't take another blow…" Alex whispered, glancing down at Marissa's lips and then back at her eyes. _How was it that this girl could drive her insane so easily._

"You won't have to," Marissa whispered back and reached out to tuck a loose strand of Alex' hair behind her ear. Alex took hold of Marissa's hand, slowly intertwining their fingers, and leaned in towards Marissa, but the sudden movement made the seat belt hold her back. "Damn," Alex mumbled and Marissa laughed, leaning forward herself. When their lips finally touched, they both felt their bodies tingle with emotion. Alex reached out her free hand and placed it on Marissa's neck, her thumb caressing her cheek.

After only a few moments, Alex pulled back slowly, smiling at Marissa who had an equally broad smile on her face.

"We should talk, Rissa. A lot happened… and I need to understand exactly what it was…"

"Yes, you're right. But I don't know if the Cohen's driveway is exactly the best place?"

"Yeah… I get your point," Alex said and released the handbrake. "So, should we just head over to my place? We could maybe order some pizza or something. Unless you've already eaten?"

"Pizza sounds great. You know what, I'll just call the pizza service right now," Marissa said taking out her cell phone.

After Marissa had ordered their food, Alex turned on the radio and the rest of the ride passed in silence, though not an uncomfortable one. Both of them were deep in their own thoughts when they arrived at Alex' apartment.

"So, here we are," Alex said. They got out of the jeep and Alex' fumbled with the keys for a moment, before managing to unlock her front door.

"Come on in. Do you want something to drink?" Alex was already on her way to the kitchen. She was suddenly feeling nervous again and was trying to delay their talk as much as possible. _What if Marissa changed her mind?_

"I'm good," Marissa said calmly, closing the door and sitting down on Alex' sofa.

"Right," Alex said, slowly coming back into her living room. "I'm not thirsty either… Just kinda nervous about what you're about to tell me," she admitted.

She sat down to Marissa's left. Taking a deep breath she turned and looked up at the brunette, who was staring down at her hands. Alex took one of them in hers.

"Marissa," she said quietly, "Look at me. Why did leave me?"

"Well, actually, _you_ broke up with _me_," Marissa said somewhat stubbornly, meeting Alex' eyes.

"Yeah, but you didn't stop me. You didn't deny it when I said it was probable that you'd get together with Ryan again."

Marissa saw the hurt on Alex' face and looked down at her knees again, ashamed to have caused her so much pain, just because of her own insecurities.

"I am so sorry for that, Alex," she whispered. She felt Alex squeeze her hand softly and encouraged by this gesture, she looked back to the blonde.

"I am truly so sorry, Alex," she sobbed, as tears suddenly began flowing down her cheeks freely.

"Rissa, don't cry," Alex said, somewhat startled by Marissa's sudden emotional outburst. "Hey, it's alright." Alex leaned forward, enclosing Marissa in a strong embrace. Alex felt tears forming in her eyes as well and held on to the other girl even tighter. "It's alright, baby. We'll be okay, again… won't we?" Alex added suddenly insecure again. _Please, don't let her change her mind again_.

"We will," Marissa whispered and Alex shivered involuntarily as she felt Marissa's breath on her neck. Marissa inhaled the scent of Alex' hair and felt herself calm down again. _Home again, finally_.

Marissa cleared her throat and pulled out of the embrace. "Sorry bout that," she smiled apologetically, "I think I can talk now."

Alex brushed a strand of Marissa's hair behind her ear and smiled back at her lovingly.

"Take your time, babe. As long as you stay, everything's alright."

"I totally freaked, Alex. I thought I had left that phase behind me when I told Summer about us, but apparently I didn't…" Alex took Marissa's hand in hers again and Marissa continued.

"It's just I- I realised how much you mean to me. And it scared me. This is different from all I've ever felt before… and the thing is, I had always imagined me to end up, you know, with a husband, three kids and stuff like that."

"We can have kids someday, if that's what you want," Alex said quickly, grinning. "And I can also take on the role of the husband…" Alex raised an eyebrow suggestively and Marissa laughed, again slightly blushing.

"But seriously, Marissa, you just have to accept who you are. And never forget, you'll never be alone. I'll be there to go through everything with you together. I don't give a damn what the world thinks of us, as long as you're there beside me. Don't let gender be a barrier. We can have everything any other couple can have, and so much more. And we can totally go at your pace. You don't have to move back in immediately, though you are welcome to, of course. Take your time… but give us a chance. And please, in future just tell me if you get freaked out. We can talk about everything, you know that… So, should we just start fresh? Do you want to be my girlfriend again, Marissa?"

Marissa was overwhelmed by Alex' little speech. She felt all warm inside and at that moment she knew they were meant to be together. Even though Alex had not been entirely seriously when talking about having children one day, it meant more to Marissa than she could express in words. _It means she can imagine a future together with me_, Marissa thought and felt her heart beat increase madly.

"I do, Alex, I really do," she said softly and leaned forward to plant a tender kiss on Alex' lips.

Soon, their pizzas were delivered and they both ate with great appetite. Marissa felt as if she hadn't eaten for a week and suddenly realized that this was practically true.

They spent the rest of the evening snuggled together on Alex' sofa, chatting and laughing, from time to time sharing tender kisses – they had tacitly agreed on taking it slow. They talked until late into the night, finally falling asleep, holding hands.

* * *

A/N: The song mentioned is 'Bye Bye Beautiful' by Nightwish... I kept hearing it while writing and I kinda thought it fitted... I wonder, is Nightwish well-known in the US? They're a pretty well-known band for their genre, at least here in Europe... and I love their music! 

Argh, damn it, I should have been studying for my chemistry exam this Friday… O.o But writing's so much more fun... ; )


	4. Chapter 4

4

When Alex woke up the next morning the first thing she felt was something heavy on her lap. She opened her eyes and smiled, seeing Marissa sleeping, her head resting on Alex' lap. She glanced at her wristwatch and realized that it was Friday, meaning Marissa had school in about an hour.

"Hey, babe," she said softly, gently shaking her girlfriend's shoulder. _Her girlfriend._

"Alex?", Marissa mumbled snuggling into Alex' stomach.

"Hey, that tickles," Alex laughed. "You have to get up. You've got school in an hour."

"Argh, no…", Marissa groaned.

"Oh yes, you do. I think you should stop ditching school too often… I don't want our relationship to endanger your education."

"Urgh, Alex, what's up with you being such a nerd?", Marissa said, finally opening her eyes to look directly into Alex' wide grin above her.

"Okay, maybe we should talk about that later. But I do think we should try not to repeat the same mistakes we made the first time. I don't want you to give up your life for me."

Before Marissa could respond, Alex began to push her off her lap and Marissa quickly sat up to avoid falling onto the floor.  
"Hey, that's not fair."

"Uhuh, whatever, you need to get ready." Alex stood in front of Marissa and looked her up and down. "You can borrow some of my clothes… Or actually, there are probably still some of yours here. Those clothes looked totally slept in."

"Well, yeah, I did kind of sleep in them…"

Alex grinned and gave Marissa a quick peck on the lips.

"You go take a shower, get ready, I'll make some breakfast. You in the mood for pancakes?"

"Totally," Marissa said, yawning.

"Cool." Alex nodded and headed towards the kitchen.

"Don't you want to join me? We can make breakfast later…"

Alex smirked. "You wish. As if you'd ever get to school in time if I'd join you now…"

Marissa blushed and quickly turned to go to the bathroom. _How does she always manage to make me blush so easily?_

After they had breakfasted, Alex quickly jumped under the shower while Marissa washed up the dishes. Little time later, they were sitting in Alex' jeep, heading to the Cohen's so that Marissa could get her school things.

"I'll wait here," Alex said.

"I won't be long." Marissa leaned in towards her girlfriend and what was meant to be a quick peck turned into a long, deep kiss.

Somewhat breathless, Marissa was let in by Kirsten a few minutes later.

"Hi, Marissa!", she said surprised.

"Hi. My school things are still here," Marissa said grinning, still on a high from making out with Alex.

"Oh, of course… So, you seem to be feeling better." Kirsten raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"Yeah, I am."

Just then, Ryan and Seth entered the room.

"Hey!" Ryan looked relieved to see her in a non-depressed state.

"So, we noticed you left with Alex last night and didn't return…" Seth's voice was full of indications.

"Well observed, Seth. Yeah, so, we talked and we're good again," Marissa said happily.

"I'm really happy for you, darling," Kirsten said, patting Marissa on the arm. "I'll be on my way to work now. And I think you guys should get going as well, hm? See you later!"

Kirsten left and Marissa quickly went up to the guestroom to get her things. She met the boys at the front door and they went outside together.

"Hey, are you guys driving to school together?", Marissa asked suddenly.

"Seth's driving us," Ryan said immediately.

"Dude, I was gonna say the same thing about you."

"Yeah, well, guess you were too slow as usual."

Seth faked a hurt look and Marissa rolled her eyes.

"I was just wondering if one of you could take my car to school…?" Marissa looked pointedly at the Jeep with Alex waiting for her.

"Oh, of course."

"Sure, no problem."

Marissa held out her keys and Seth snatched them out of her hands.

"Ha, who's the slow one now?"

"Okay…," Marissa said, thinking it was definitely time for her to go, "See you in school."

She went over to the jeep and just as she got in, Seth speeded past them in Marissa's car.

"Oh God, I hope Seth doesn't crash my car..."

Alex chuckled. "You let him drive your car? Wow, you're trusting…"

"As you have to work later on, I'll need my car… But this way we can still spend the ride to school together."

"You're so sweet, Marissa," Alex said, leaning in to kiss her girlfriend again.

* * *

The school day, once again, passed painfully slowly. All of last week, Marissa hadn't been able to concentrate because her thoughts had constantly wandered to Alex and their break-up. Now that they were back together, she still couldn't concentrate. Alex still completely occupied her mind, though the thoughts were no longer painful but instead quite cheerful. 

In a break in the middle of the school day, Alex called Marissa.

"Hey!" Marissa answered her cell happily as she saw the caller's ID.

"Hey, babe. How was school today, so far?"

"I don't know, I wasn't listening to the teachers."

Alex laughed. "Sounds familiar. So… Do you want to come over to the Bait Shop after school? I have to work, but I could take a break of, let's say, an hour…"

"Sounds good… But there's something I've got to do before. I'll come over after, okay?"

"Oh, okay." _She'll tell you what she's up to later, if she wants to. Trust, Kelly, trust. _"No problem, it doesn't rally matter at what time I take that little break, as long it's before 8."

"It won't take that long. I'll come over as soon as I can, alright?"

"Cool."

"See you later, then."

"Bye, babe."

* * *

Marissa parked her car on the huge driveway and took a deep breath. _You can do this._

She walked up to the front door and was about to ring the bell, when the door opened and Caleb stood in front of her.

"Marissa!" he said, surprised.

"Caleb." Marissa was equally surprised. "So you're back again."

"That's what I was about to ask you. Your mother mentioned you had moved out."

"Yes, I did. I am, still."

"Well, Marissa, I'm sorry, I'd like to stay and talk, but I have to go to work now. Your mother is inside, in case you came for her."

"Yeah, okay, bye!" Marissa went inside, relieved that Caleb didn't have the time to chat. Caleb stepped outside and before he could say anything more, Marissa quickly closed the door behind him. She looked around the large entry hall and shivered. This had never really been her home. Marissa didn't feel like searching for her mother, so she decided to just make herself noticed.

"Hello!?", she called out loudly.

"Marissa?!?", she heard her mother call from the living room, so she went into that direction.

Marissa saw Julie hurrying towards her and stopped.

"Oh Marissa, I'm so glad you're here…" Julie made an attempt to hug her daughter, but Marissa quickly stepped back.

"Woe, mom! I only came here to talk to you."

"Okay, Marissa, whatever you want. Shall we sit down?" Julie asked somewhat helplessly.

Marissa nodded and they sat down in the living room, on two sofas facing each other.

"So… I guess you heard I spent the last week at the Cohens?"

"Yes, I did. I was so worried about you! You could have come here, Marissa. I wanted to call you…"

"I'm glad you didn't"

Julie swallowed hard. "Yes… I thought so. That's why I didn't," she said slowly.

"Well, I stayed at the Cohens, because Alex and I had broken up. But we're together again, and I'm going to move back in with her. My relationship to her is real and serious. I can imagine living the rest of my life together with her. I just wanted you to know that, in case you thought I was going to come running back to you, after a few weeks in a lesbian relationship."

"Are you really sure about that, Marissa? I mean whether being with Alex is really good for you…"

"I love her," Marissa said coldly.

Julie swallowed hard again. "So, you're saying that you're a lesbian now?"

Marissa sighed deeply. "I don't really give a shit what you call it, what you call me, but I love her and I want to be with her. So, either accept it – or that was it with our mother-daughter relationship and you won't see me anymore."

"Marissa," Julie chocked, "If this is what you really want, I'm fine with it…"

"Are you, really? So, you'll be fine with telling people 'This is my lesbian daughter, Marissa and her girlfriend'?"

"God, Marissa, I'll need some time to get used to that, but yes, if that is what you really want, I'll learn to live with it."

"You will?," Marissa asked disbelieving.

"Yes," Julie said, her voice becoming securer again, "You're my daughter, Marissa. I love you, no matter what. And if you're a lesbian…" Julie sighed. "So be it. I just want you to be happy."

"Well, wow," Marissa said her eyebrows raised, "I didn't expect that…"

"Marissa, I wish for nothing more but for us to get along again. I miss you…"

"Well, if you really mean all this and can respect my relationship to Alex, I guess we might be able to actually have a relationship again…"

Marissa was slightly taken aback as she saw a real tear slide down her mother's cheek.

"You don't know how much that means to me, honey," Julie said quietly.

"Yeah, well, this doesn't mean I'll move back in with you or anything."

"No, honey, I know. I didn't expect that. But maybe we could go shopping or have dinner together sometime?"

"Yeah, I guess…"

"You can bring Alex, of course…"

"You wouldn't mind?"

"Not if it means I get to see more of my daughter again."

Marissa suddenly felt a pang of guilt. _Had she been too hard on her mother?_ Julie had done a lot of mistakes, but maybe it was time – not to forget – but to start to forgive.

Marissa stood up and Julie followed suit. She stepped around the coffee table until she stood directly in front of her mother.

"I kind of missed you, too," she said quietly.

"Oh, Marissa," Julie sobbed and embraced her daughter who didn't hinder her this time.

"I still have no intentions of moving back in," Marissa mumbled into her mother's shoulder.

"I know, honey, I know."

They broke apart and sat back down on a sofa. There was a somewhat awkward silence as Julie dried her tears.

"So, Marissa, how is everything? We haven't talked in such a long time, I have the feeling I don't really know you anymore."

Marissa was tired of being in a constant war with her mother, so she tentatively began to tell Julie of her current life. Her mother seemed truly interested and so she told her how things were with Seth and Summer, and about how she thought that Ryan and her were much better off as friends. Julie agreed that friends were extremely important and told her how glad she was to have gotten closer to Kirsten. They sat there, talking to each other for almost half an hour, before Marissa excused herself. Julie brought Marissa to the door.

"Okay, honey, have fun with Alex, and say 'hi' to her for me."

"Bye, mom," Marissa said starting to walk down the driveway to her car, before Julie could try to hug her again. She really wanted to start building up a good relationship to her mother again, but that didn't mean that all was forgotten.

"I'll call you about dinner!" Julie called after her.

Marissa turned and waved at her mother who more than gladly accepted that as an answer.

* * *

A short time later, Marissa parked her car close to the Bait Shop and walked over to the club. 

Alex was talking to a group of men, instructing them to set up the stage.

"Remember, keyboard on the right," she said when she suddenly felt a pair of hands on her waist.

Alex spun around and came face to face with her girlfriend.

"Marissa! How many times have I told you not to sneak up on people!"

"Aww, come on, you know you secretly like it…" Marissa brushed as strand of Alex' hair out of her face.

"Yeah, right!"

Alex put her hands on Marissa's waist and looked down at her lips.

"Are you aware that you kind of always give yourself away when you feel like kissing me? You tend to stare at my mouth," Marissa teased the other girl.

Alex looked back up, smirking.

"Well, do you really mind? It's not my fault you've got such beautiful lips," Alex whispered and leaned forward closing the small gap between them. Their lips touched only for seconds when Marissa parted them again.

"Shouldn't we maybe go into your office or something? I think your employees are staring."

Alex jerked her head sideways and five men turned away hastily.

"Don't you guys have work to do?" Alex demanded half-annoyed, half-amused. _Guys are so primitive._

"Come on," she said to Marissa and took her hand, leading her to her office.

"So, how was your day, babe?"

"It was… strange. I visited my mother."

Alex gaped at her, raising her eyebrows questioningly. "You… visited your _mom_?"

"Yeah…We talked about stuff… I told her I wouldn't be moving back in with her. And I also told her she would have to accept you as my girlfriend if she wanted anything more to do with me."

"And what did she say?" Alex asked, somewhat nervously.

"She seems to have understood the message. She wants to take us both to dinner someday."

"Wow. Dinner with Julie Cooper. Never saw that coming."

"Yeah, I know. I said my day was strange."

"But wait, when you said you wouldn't move back in with her, did you mean…"

"Yes, I want live with you again. I-"

Before Marissa could say anything else, Alex had taken her head in her hands and kissed her passionately.

"I really want this, us, to work out this time," Marissa said breathlessly, a few minutes later.

"Yeah, me too."

Alex sat down on her sofa and Marissa followed suit.

"You know, when we were apart, I did a lot of thinking," Alex said thoughtfully, taking Marissa's hand in hers almost subconsciously.

"I planned to work in the Bait Shop till the Summer and then to go back to my parents and finish school… I won't to that now though, naturally."

"But you could go to school here," Marissa suggested, not quite being able to suppress a grin.

"You think the idea of me going back to school funny?", Alex demanded and Marissa nodded, grinning even wider.

"Yeah, I kinda do."

"Me, too…" Alex laughed.

"But that doesn't mean I don't want you to finish school. I actually think it's a really good idea… Maybe we'd even have some classes together…"

"If I get into Harbour… We'll see."

Marissa smiled at her girlfriend. It made her happy to know Alex was planning to make more out of her life than she had been doing so far.

"I know I said earlier that I could take an one-hour break, but there's more to do than I thought…"

"You need to get back to work," Marissa stated and Alex nodded. "No problem. Is this evening's band good?"

"Yeah, they're cool. They play rather soft rock, but if you've got someone to hold hands with, they're perfect"

"Well, I guess I have to come then, huh? I don't want you holding any other girl's or guy's hand," Marissa joked.

"I would never do that, Marissa." Alex' tone was completely serious. "I'd never cheat on you. Just know that."

Marissa felt as if her heart was about to spill over with emotion.

"I love you, Alex Kelly," she whispered, leaning forward to softly touch Alex' lips with her own.

Alex felt her heart start racing. _She loves you._

"I-" Alex cleared her throat. "I love you too, Marissa."

Marissa sensed Alex' nervousness and smiled lovingly at her girlfriend.

"Hard to say those words?" she asked softly.

Alex smiled back and felt herself calm down again. She loved being able to talk to Marissa about everything openly.

"I just never really said them to anyone before, except to family, and really meant it. But I really do love you, babe."

They shared another long, intimate kiss, before Marissa left to let Alex go back to work.

Marissa drove to the Cohens and picked up her things. Then she drove to Alex' apartment – to _their_ apartment. After putting her clothing back into the closet, she walked around in all the rooms, simply enjoying being back home again. _Home._

Marissa took some paper and a pen and sat down on the sofa in the living room. She still had a few hours to kill until the concert, until she would stand in the crowd, listening to some soft rock, holding Alex' hand. She began to write – this time not of pain, but of happiness. She had often asked herself if there was really such a thing as true love, and now she had found her answer. She knew their relationship would not always be easy, but she was willing to invest everything she had into this bond. Marissa sensed that this time something would be different in their relationship. She would not give up her life for Alex, she would make her a part of it. Yes, she would make Alex Kelly an enduring part of her life and never let her go again.

* * *

A/N: This is the ending, for now. I might write a sequel, with some new drama. I've already got some ideas… But there's a different Alex/Marissa story straying around in my head at the moment… I think I'll have to write that one first! 

Well, I hoped you liked this, thanks for reading and for all the reviews! Feedback really keeps you going. : )

- Elanor


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